2019 #Hashtags Happy Holidays!

                                                     The Lamb Castle 2019

Elias 

#Fish  #Ponds #AquaticEcosystem #MiddleSchool

#Campouts #Cooking #Fastbrain

 RubyCatherine

#Piano #Choir #Sass #Babysitting #SafetyPatrol 

#StudentCouncil #BossGirl #kind  

Heidi

#VulnerableWriting #Poetry #Mushrooms #YogaDrumming

#MomTaxi #Alaska #Dreaming 

Eric

#Brazil #NaturePlayResearch #Banjo #Work

#MakingDreamsComeTrue

 

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Happy Birthday Haitham.

The morning of February 7th 2018, I spent at home busily packing and preparing to drive an Amish family down South to Georgia.   As I went about my preparations, an undeniable, voice spoke in my mind. I have learned to listen to this voice. It is powerful and speaks true.   I went to my computer, opened messenger and wrote: 

Sent 11:08AM   02/07/18 

Thinking of you today my friend.  I hope you are doing well. 
You are an amazing human being.  You have much to contribute to this world. 
You are strong.   
Send some poetry my way when you have a chance.   Heidi
Seen 11:11AM  

I had a strong sense of his energy that day.
Many years ago I read Carolyn Pearson's book:  Transforming Your Life Through Synchronicity. It was one of those readings that has stuck with me.  I don’t believe in coincidence anymore.  There is purpose in all things. This belief has guided me through the dark night of my soul and beyond into precious, sacred beauty.  

My dear friend Tim introduced me to Haitham.  He soon became dear to my heart.  His brilliant mind was endless, both of us poets, and both of us having suffered significant trials and loss, we bonded. It was a strong maternal bond I felt. His poetry and writings were deep and powerful.   We both processed our feelings through poetry.  

Tim was a powerful healing influence to Haitham.  He and I both loved Haitham and were pained as he struggled.  One of the last times I visited Haitham in the hospital I found Tim there.  The three of us had a poignant, yet, beautiful visit.  Peace and love filled the visiting room that day.  Some time later the  three of us had  breakfast together.  I didn't know this would be the last time I would see Haithem in this life time. He shared a poem he had written about us three:  

My eyes were dim, my vision dimmer, 

My spirit one insolvent glimmer 

Unaware of whence it came, 

Confused by they that stole its name. 

Reason rampant eats it tail 

To leave no lesson in its trail 

By grace I saw one third could be 

All of one infinity.

From perfect joy there need not be 

Wisdom or even memory. 

One thing then learnt remains to me 

Three spirits carve one soul of three.

-Haitham Al-Twarijri

In late February while traveling in Georgia I received a call from Tim.  With all of the amazing love and skill that Tim embodies, he asked me to sit down, because he had some bad news to share.   Haitham was dead.  He had died 2 weeks earlier on February 7th.

So much to process. Pain. Love. More pain. Weeks went by. I remembered messaging him, but I didn't remember the exact date, so I checked. He had received my message just moments before his death.
Is it coincidence?
No coincidence. Haitham needed to read and feel those words before he decided to leave this world. My words are truth. Haitham, You are amazing. You have much to contribute. You are strong. You continue to enrich my life.

Kindred Spirits

Sometimes the pain I feel is tangible. Like a ball filling my body, my heart. Pain.  Pain.  Love and Pain.  Feeling deep emotion hurts. AND Feeling deep emotions is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced in this life. Tears. All the feels.

Years back, Haitham left a note on my desk. 
Short and simple, it read “Shine On You Crazy Diamond”.

I miss you Haitham. 
Go toward the Light, and Shine On You Crazy Diamond. 

I AM ... a Light Warrior

Warning:  It’s  about to get real folks.  This post is not for the faint of heart.  

As I speak my radical truth, let go of shame,

I become free.  Thank you for being a platform for my freedom.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift"

-Mary Oliver

The Spring after I turned 21 years old, I took on the task of teaching myself Polish by listening to language cassette tapes, writing down terms, phrases and practicing.  My then-husband,  who was fluent in Polish, helped with vocabulary. I waited for a peaceful moment  to ask him how to say “Help me”.     He quickly answered
“Jestem Kurwa”. 
I added it to my memorization list.  

Naive, curious, and still trying to hold on to hope I had planned a trip to Poland with him.  Wanderlust has always been a part of me.  I love seeing and honoring this beautiful Earth, all of her. 

My desire to travel must have outweighed the many hesitations in my heart.  Nervous, I felt.   I did not speak Polish and I had little experience traveling outside the US.  I would be completely dependent on him for over a month as we lived in a foreign country.  Him...  who had vowed to love me, to support me, even protect me.  Could I trust? 

Coercion and manipulation were the methods he chose to get his needs met.  Sometimes at great cost to me and others.  But,   I am a powerful soul, with spunk, and sass, and fire in my Scorpio heart.  A fire that isn’t easily extinguished.  I chose to travel with him. 

Being in Poland was challenging.  I couldn’t escape and go to work, or classes at University, or be home alone with my cat.    A month started to seem like a very long time.  As I endured coercion with the skill set I had at age 21, I tried to assert myself.  But, coercion doesn't listen to logic. 

When I spoke my truth, I was belittled, called filthy names, and demeaned. This was not new, it had been going on for 2 years, but it was now complicated by my inability to speak the language and isolation from my support network. I had learned by experience that I needed to shut up or pay the price of speaking.

We lived in single boarding room on the 5th floor of an old building.  All tenants shared a dimly lit bathroom on the first floor. As I honored the 2nd world experience, I suffered the cultural acceptance of violence.

One morning, as we were eating breakfast in our boarding room we had a disagreement.  I don’t recall the exact issue, what I do remember is that it was important enough to me to try to take a stand for myself.  

I was overwhelmed and frustrated.  Still, I am Heidi, with a blazing scorpio heart.  I chose to speak my truth and pay.  He began the usual coercion, then he started belittling and calling me filthy names.  I wasn’t having it.  I picked up my glass of orange juice and I threw it. 

Right.  In.  His.  Face.  

Damn.  It felt good.  

The violence that followed was painful, physically and even more emotionally.  I found  a moment of escape and I ran.  Down 5 + flights of stairs and disappeared into the city. 

Waiting at a bus stop I learned real meaning “Jestem Kurwa”, the term I thought meant “Help Me”.

“Kurwa”,  possibly the foulest word in Polish language, means filthy, fucking whore.  “Jestem” simply means “I AM”.   

I AM... Today I wear my scars like emblems of honor. I AM A WARRIOR, a warrior of light and love.

Although the saga of the marriage continued for some time, I did eventually leave.  It has been nearly 20 years since I freed myself.   

This journey has led me to live and love more fully, embracing all of life's experiences.
And I am so grateful for women.   Women who supported me, women who stood as examples, women who led the way for me to be strong, women who continue to inspire me everyday. 
Thank you.

I honor you.  

Death Cafe @ The Ember

Lets talk about death. deathcafe.com/GrandForks

My daughter died.  And now she is dead.

I don’t use euphemisms regarding her death.   I understand that makes some people uncomfortable.  I don't like making people uncomfortable. And the truth still stands that she didn’t pass away, and she is not sleeping.  She died. I simply prefer to call it what it is.   

The pain of loss is NOT in the semantics people tip-toe around regarding death.  Terms like “death” or “died”- are just truth. The real pain is the loss. I don’t get to see her or hold her or watch her grow up.

We live in a death-denying culture, we don’t like to think about, talk about or acknowledge death. Death is frightening, and can be difficult to bring up in discussion.  Yet, this denial only exacerbates the grieving process. Death is an inevitable reality, and although we may logically recognize this, most of us sweep it under the rug because it makes us feel uncomfortable.  
So let us have conversation. Interesting conversation guaranteed.

When we choose to acknowledge death, to face the uncomfortable reality that will inevitably happen to us all we open to truth, to light.  Recognizing life as finite helps us to live more fully. Many world religions hold beautiful and sacred beliefs about life, after-life, past lives and future lives.  I too hold to beliefs that there is existence beyond what I now experience. Still this life is finite. 

No need to spare my feelings by using euphemisms,  I’d prefer to be true and clear. And I would love to see you and talk to you!

Join me @DeathCafe and share your thoughts, feelings and experiences regarding death.

Tuesday 26 November 6:00pm  

The Ember   8 Third Street, Grand Forks, ND

Sunshine Runner

Teton Dam Marathon Finish line 2007

I had never run a full marathon before, at mile 19 I hit a wall and discouragedly started walking. I was overwhelmed with over 8 miles left in the race, tears filled my eyes as I thought about the months of training I had invested. I was overwhelmed, hurting, and exhausted. I felt like a failure.

Another runner, someone I had never met, ran up alongside me and offered encouraging words. He paced me the rest of the race providing support and boosts of confidence.

As we neared the finish, spectators lined the streets. Someone yelled out to me, “Pick it up! You can beat him!”

Without hesitation, I called out “We’re a Team!”

The sunshine runner grabbed my hand and we ran across the finish line together.

Grateful, I am, ... for the sunshine runner.
May we all have sunshine runners in our lives. May we all be sunshine runners in the lives of others.

21 November 2019, Grand Forks, ND 8° Fahrenheit

Now days,  I dash through the snow with this monkey.

He also provides encouragement, support and bonus entertainment.  

Love Connection

Audrey is one of the kindest souls I have ever encountered.    Mita and I met Audrey in May after she had suffered a stroke. Spoken communication is challenging-  but love needs no words. The first time I put Mita in her arms her smile lit up the room and tears rolled down her cheeks...and mine.  Today we took a special trip to visit our dear friend.

Important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.               -Paulo Coelho

Carving the Heart

Whittling, carving, shaping

Embracing

My wild tender heart

Finding new form

Growing, feeling

All there is to love

A wonderful morning carving and talking with the amazing Jamie Sebby.

Soul Retrieval Synchronicity

Did you have a special blanket growing up?  I did. I still remember my warm, soft, pink buffalo check, yarn tied blanket of the late 1970’s.  My mom would put it in the dryer for a few minutes and then wrap me up. Such a warm safe place in my mind.  My mom, my home, my blanky. Ahhh...

When I was six, little brother Brandon was diagnosed with Leukemia.  His blood count showed 96% leukemic cells.
Right away he began receiving radiation and chemo treatments at Primary Children’s Hospital hours away from our
Idaho home.   His chances of survival given by the doctors were about 50% . The treatments went on for years.

My Dad often worked overnights on the Railroad.  My mom took Brandon to his treatments.
I spent overnights with friends or caregivers.  I was okay, as long as I had my blanky.  

One of those caregivers, however, felt that I was too old to need a blanket.  She took the blanket away from
me and I never saw it again.

Tears fill my eyes today as I remember that little girl, that blanket, feeling scared, and losing trust.

This weekend part of my soul was retrieved.  I gathered with a remarkable group of women to drum,
share good energy, and learn. 
There were massage tables set up for treatments. When it was my turn, I spotted a table with
the exact pink buffalo check of my childhood. I was drawn to that table, I briefly explained that I once
had a blanket just like this…  The kind woman to whom the blanket belonged,
put her hand on my shoulder and said, she brought that blanket just for me.   

So this snowy Monday morning-  I am snuggled up feeling warm, safe, and trusting.    
Thank you Brenda.
Thank you universe.

Honoring Day of the Dead

This beautiful soul showed me that life is finite. And continues to teach me to live.

I love her.  I miss her. I hurt for my RubyCatherine who still asks for a baby nearly every day.  

And in my heart of hearts I know,  I am not my grief.
I can hurt and feel things deeply and not be those emotions. 
I am alive and I embody joy, love and peace. Lizzy taught me profoundly that this life is finite. 
She has led me to live more truly and deeply.
I honor you Lizzy. Thank you for your lessons. 

Halloween 2019

The Legerski home-  our favorite Halloween tradition. 

Elias's candy haul-  organized categorically.   
Elias and I share the beauty of ADHD, or Fast Brain as we call it.
We explore, create, and think outside the box... or in this case inside the box.

National Cat Day

Cat spirit animal:  Magical, independent, curious, overly-imaginative...  Yes please.

I love this bundle of fur.  So much.  Every cat owner knows, No one ever owns a cat.
Tigre found me when we were living on the beach in Mexico, and I am one lucky lady.
These are my favorite things about Tigre and all cats:
He never hides his emotion; absolute emotional honesty
He hasn't forgotten that cats were once worshiped as gods
He has high expectations, and knows he is worthy of them
Independent
Curious
IN THE MOMENT
Most of all, my cuddly friend.

There are few things in life more heartwarming than being welcomed by a cat. -Tay Hohoff

So-  if you think I am that crazy cat lady who wears funny hats, and talks to animals.  You couldn’t be more correct.

Happy National Cat Day-  Enrique Nacho Tigre!

Mexico Veterinarian Office 2017

Halloween 2017

A Day Spent Reading by the Fire... is never wasted

Elias and I are reading The Birchbark House- by Louise Erdrich
How I love reading about indigenous nations and experiences.  Elias seems to have the same affinity.  He stayed home from school sick today.  I am pretty sure it was the Birchbark house needing to read sickness. I had the perfect cure.  We read for hours.  How I love that boy.

Creation of Fire

Keeper of the fire

Finally she is

Patience and practice

Bow Drill Wiz

Okay,  “Wiz” is a bit of a stretch, but...  I DID IT! Finally!  

First Blizzard of the season here in the Great White North.  Perfect day to build a fire, and it only took me 2 hours! Haha!

Maybe by the end of the season I will really be a  Bow Drill Wiz.

Starting a fire using a bow drill is a skill I have wanted for a long time. 

A bow drill is a simple rotational hand-operated tool of prehistoric origin, commonly used to generate friction to start a fire. #rabbitstick #fire #frictionfire #bowdrill #Blizzard #noschool #snowday #home #ancestralskills  #primitiveskills

The Mac Impact

Saturday May 3, 2014 I woke up at dawn and ran 5 miles, when I came home to wake up my little girl and found that she had died during the night. I have not run in a race or trained since that time.

Running is therapeutic, releases endorphins, dopamine, and just feels good- and although I have needed these things in my life, I couldn’t bring myself to go.

Until #TheMacImpact

Heidi with Jill Beireis,  We love, we grieve, we live.  We are not our grief.

Just lacing my shoes up for the first time to train brought tears, therapeutic, healing sobs and tears.  #IAmNotMyGrief

This weekend I ran the Grand Forks Wild Hog in honor of McCormick Beireis a 2 year old boy who has made a profound impact on many lives. Including mine.
Thank you Micky Mac. You helped me remember my passion for running. Please hug my Lizzy for me. 💙