I AM ... a Light Warrior

Warning:  It’s  about to get real folks.  This post is not for the faint of heart.  

As I speak my radical truth, let go of shame,

I become free.  Thank you for being a platform for my freedom.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift"

-Mary Oliver

The Spring after I turned 21 years old, I took on the task of teaching myself Polish by listening to language cassette tapes, writing down terms, phrases and practicing.  My then-husband,  who was fluent in Polish, helped with vocabulary. I waited for a peaceful moment  to ask him how to say “Help me”.     He quickly answered
“Jestem Kurwa”. 
I added it to my memorization list.  

Naive, curious, and still trying to hold on to hope I had planned a trip to Poland with him.  Wanderlust has always been a part of me.  I love seeing and honoring this beautiful Earth, all of her. 

My desire to travel must have outweighed the many hesitations in my heart.  Nervous, I felt.   I did not speak Polish and I had little experience traveling outside the US.  I would be completely dependent on him for over a month as we lived in a foreign country.  Him...  who had vowed to love me, to support me, even protect me.  Could I trust? 

Coercion and manipulation were the methods he chose to get his needs met.  Sometimes at great cost to me and others.  But,   I am a powerful soul, with spunk, and sass, and fire in my Scorpio heart.  A fire that isn’t easily extinguished.  I chose to travel with him. 

Being in Poland was challenging.  I couldn’t escape and go to work, or classes at University, or be home alone with my cat.    A month started to seem like a very long time.  As I endured coercion with the skill set I had at age 21, I tried to assert myself.  But, coercion doesn't listen to logic. 

When I spoke my truth, I was belittled, called filthy names, and demeaned. This was not new, it had been going on for 2 years, but it was now complicated by my inability to speak the language and isolation from my support network. I had learned by experience that I needed to shut up or pay the price of speaking.

We lived in single boarding room on the 5th floor of an old building.  All tenants shared a dimly lit bathroom on the first floor. As I honored the 2nd world experience, I suffered the cultural acceptance of violence.

One morning, as we were eating breakfast in our boarding room we had a disagreement.  I don’t recall the exact issue, what I do remember is that it was important enough to me to try to take a stand for myself.  

I was overwhelmed and frustrated.  Still, I am Heidi, with a blazing scorpio heart.  I chose to speak my truth and pay.  He began the usual coercion, then he started belittling and calling me filthy names.  I wasn’t having it.  I picked up my glass of orange juice and I threw it. 

Right.  In.  His.  Face.  

Damn.  It felt good.  

The violence that followed was painful, physically and even more emotionally.  I found  a moment of escape and I ran.  Down 5 + flights of stairs and disappeared into the city. 

Waiting at a bus stop I learned real meaning “Jestem Kurwa”, the term I thought meant “Help Me”.

“Kurwa”,  possibly the foulest word in Polish language, means filthy, fucking whore.  “Jestem” simply means “I AM”.   

I AM... Today I wear my scars like emblems of honor. I AM A WARRIOR, a warrior of light and love.

Although the saga of the marriage continued for some time, I did eventually leave.  It has been nearly 20 years since I freed myself.   

This journey has led me to live and love more fully, embracing all of life's experiences.
And I am so grateful for women.   Women who supported me, women who stood as examples, women who led the way for me to be strong, women who continue to inspire me everyday. 
Thank you.

I honor you.