I still wrap myself up
in her baby blanket sometimes.
Seeking comfort?
Or her? Probably both.
As I watch myself
travel this road of existence, I see how my grief has been shaped and changed
me over the years. I miss her still. 6 years ago seems like another
lifetime, and yet as May approaches I feel raw again. It is a
difficult month. The month of her death, her birth, also Mother’s
day.
I ran through the
cemetery this morning with tears streaming down my cheeks. It hits me at
unexpected times. I let the tears flow, I’ve learned not to hold back,
but rather to release the pain.
Opening myself to feel
things… to really feel things has been one of the healthiest life choices I’ve
made. Being with the pain is not easy. For me, grief has been like
being in the ocean. At first, the waves crashed around me, I could barely
find my way up for air before getting knocked down by the next wave. Storms come and go. But now most of the
time waves lap around my feet. Every once in a while a big wave rolls in
and knocks me down.
Eventually, I
rise again.
One of the greatest
pains as time goes by is that my memories of her are fading. It
hurts to even write those words. I never want to forget her smell, her
smile, her soft skin. So now when the big waves come and knock me down
with pain, it is her I am feeling. Feeling close to my baby again.
I am able to open that place in my heart of hearts that remembers her.
That place that feels deep and powerful emotion. It is a beautiful place.
A beautiful, painful place. She is there, and I need her.
 |
| Madison Elizabeth Castle 2012-2014 |
May I introduce Madison
Elizabeth Castle. This little soul changed me for the better, and I will
never be the same. I love you Lizzy.
