24 April, 2015

Love is All that Matters


 It is hard to believe it has been nearly a year since my baby departed this life.   Some of you already know that last May was not the first time I lost Lizzy.  At this difficult time of year I am reflecting on the life of my sweet Lizzy.

I had looked for her… waited for her.  There was some cosmic connection between our spirits.  I knew she was coming even before she was born.  I knew she be in Minnesota.
A birth mom connected with us.  I can only imagine the difficulty of that situation.  Trying to decide what is best for her child, trusting someone else enough to love, to truly and deeply love her child.   I thank God for the birth mothers in my life.  Each one of them made an incredible sacrifice to give life to the beautiful children that I mother.  I am the benefactor of their months of sacrifice, pain of birth, their labor of love. 

We nervously drove down to the cities to meet Lizzy and her mother.  I held her. I held her for the first time.  And I loved her.  Her birth mom made her decision and signed the papers.  Thrilled beyond words we took Lizzy home. 
But…   In the State of Minnesota birth parents have 2 weeks to revoke their decision.  2 weeks to change their mind.

The pain of returning Lizzy to her birth mom, was…. Well, It was all I could handle.  Then, trying to explain to 3 year old Ruby Catherine why her baby sister was going away.  How do you do that?  It just isn’t something that you can google for helpful tips or read a book about.

I stayed in contact with birth mom. I sent blankets, formula, toys and love.  Weeks later to my surprise she contacted me again and said she is going to place Lizzy for adoption.  Her mind was made up.  This was the right thing to do, she said.

My heart skipped a beat.  I don’t trust easily any more, but with so much at stake and not being in any position of control I had to trust.  And hope and pray.
Once again our crib was filled with a warm bundle of love.  We were a family complete.  I went about nesting, loving, mothering.  The innate joys of being a woman.  Yet, still in the back of my mind was the count down 2 weeks until the paper work is complete and cannot be changed.

It was a Wednesday evening when I received the dreaded phone call.  I was at home with Lizzy.  I saw the name of the adoption worker on my phone screen.  NO.  No.  NOOO!
Again Lizzy was returned to her birth mother.  The following months were excruciating.  I did not keep contact with birth mother.  It was beyond my strength.  

I felt so alone.  No one really knew what had happened or what I was going through.  Her empty crib stood cold.  And I wondered is she crying for me?  Pain in my chest.  Does she think I abandoned her? 
There was nothing I could do.   I prayed.  I still felt that cosmic connection.

Christmas 2012.  Lizzy nearly 7 months old. We brought her home to stay.  Paperwork complete.  No going back.
Lizzy brought a peace to our home to our family that is indescribable.  Her personality, joy, dancing, Oh her dancing!!   And most of all her peace.  Peace profound. 
Just 3 weeks before her 2nd birthday is when it happened.  Unfathomable.  Totally unexpected.  A parents worst nightmare. 

Saturday morning about 8am.  I went into the girls bedroom to wake up sweet Lizzy.  The room was filled with her peace.  10-thousand angels were with me holding me up.  I heard a soft whisper  “she is okay.  Things will be okay.”  I peeked over her crib and gazed down at her peaceful body cuddled up to her blanket.  
She had gone home.  Her real home.  The real home for us all.
I don’t know why God planned it this way… but I do know:      That God has a plan. 

Love is all that really matters.

University Park Bear- Dead

"I killed a bear today Oh What a man am I! We the experts knew just what to do When the bear did not comply." "...