The Lamb Castle: February 2020

21 February, 2020

The Long Way Home. . .

Shark Reef Sanctuary, where I enjoyed some morning runs and meditations.

I took the long way home from Arizona last week, I stopped to see friends in Washington. As I ran past the ferry terminal to catch my boat I saw the foamy waters as it sailed away. I just missed it. A blessing perhaps, I spent the next hour visiting with an old friend, who kindly held space for me as I recalled powerful anniversary memories.

This past week has marked the 20 year anniversary of some significant events in my life.

Back in 2000 I set empowering intentions to be kind and true to myself. And I followed through.

It was my last semester as an undergraduate at the University of Idaho. Presidents Day holiday came and there were no classes. I worked cleaning houses to pay the rent. It was the perfect job with flexible hours that I could go to between classes.

With the holiday upon us I asked my then-husband to come clean with me since he had no work or classes. He begrudgingly agreed.

As we drove to the customer's house in Pullman, WA, 7 miles away, it quickly became apparent that he was angry. And his anger was only increasing, he started yelling at me. His face was red as the spat flying from his mouth wetted the steering wheel, but something was different this time.

And it wasn’t him.

It was me.

I was different.

His hate and personal attacks didn’t affect me the way they once had. I wasn’t hurt by his words. I didn’t believe them. Rather, I chose to trust myself. This was the beginning of a long journey toward being kind and true to Heidi. It was not easy to break this cycle, to trust myself, to follow that inner voice guiding me to safety. Still, I didn’t give into the fear. Rather, I stepped into my power.

Abuse is cyclical. And when the cycle is disrupted change occurs. The human mind seems to fight this change.

My unemotional response was upsetting to him.

I simply said, “It is not okay for you to yell at or threaten me”.

My lack of emotional response seemed to throw gas on his fire. The less I responded the more threatening and angry he became. He was keenly aware of the protective order in place due to state’s criminal charges pending against him. If it was not for that protective order I may not have made it through that day.

When we arrived at the customer's house he said he was not going to help me clean, but rather just drop me off.

I had been left without transportation enough to know that I needed a car. 7 miles is a long way to walk home in February. So, I simply said, I will take you back home and come back to Pullman by myself to clean. We drove back to Moscow.

For the few years leading up to this point I had been reading and studying self help books, learning and doing everything I could to save my marriage. I was majoring in psychology and actually I had gained some useful skill. I employed all of it to my 24 year old ability.

I knew I was not in a safe place, emotionally or physically. We arrived back at our trailer house on the outskirts of Moscow. I assertively let him know that something needed to change or I could not stay in the marriage. I am not one to give ultimatums, this day I offered 2 options. 1) Seeking help from our church leader or 2) Go to couples counseling.

He refused both. I stood my ground and indicated that this meant the end of our marriage.

“Okay fine, call the Bishop then”, he said.

I dialed the number, only to find out he had disconnected the phone line. He operated on manipulation, threats and lies.

Similar scenarios had played out many times, but even he could tell something was different. After testing me to see if I would really follow through and call the Bishop he agreed to go to counseling.

Mt. Constitution Tower

Days went by, there were excuses about going to counseling. I continued with my intentions to be kind and true to Heidi. I had been going to counseling by myself.

March 9, 2000 is a day I hold sacred. That is the day I truly stepped into my power, I put my needs at the forefront and followed my intuition. I listened to and honored that voice inside me that had been guiding me safely back to kindness and love.

Synchronicity danced into my heart and led me through a series of events that brought powerful change. More on that later.

Last week was Presidents Day, the Tower Card presented itself, ironically the same day I hiked to a stone tower.

The views were spectacular, and the learning experience formidable.

I love adventure in all its forms. This often means facing fear,emotional towers, and crumbling uterine walls, still, I want to live life to its fullest. I discovered again that stepping into my fear was stepping into my power.