My Lizzy

I still wrap myself up in her baby blanket sometimes.

Seeking comfort?  Or her?  Probably both.

As I watch myself travel this road of existence, I see how my grief has been shaped and changed me over the years.  I miss her still.  6 years ago seems like another lifetime,  and yet as May approaches I feel raw again.  It is a difficult month.  The month of her death, her birth, also Mother’s day.  

I ran through the cemetery this morning with tears streaming down my cheeks.  It hits me at unexpected times.   I let the tears flow, I’ve learned not to hold back, but rather to release the pain.

Opening myself to feel things… to really feel things has been one of the healthiest life choices I’ve made.  Being with the pain is not easy.  For me, grief has been like being in the ocean.  At first, the waves crashed around me, I could barely find my way up for air before getting knocked down by the next wave.  Storms come and go.  But now most of the time waves lap around my feet.  Every once in a while a big wave rolls in and knocks me down.  

Eventually,  I rise again.

One of the greatest pains as time goes by is that my memories of her are fading.  It hurts to even write those words.  I never want to forget her smell, her smile, her soft skin.   So now when the big waves come and knock me down with pain, it is her I am feeling.  Feeling close to my baby again.   I am able to open that place in my heart of hearts that remembers her.  That place that feels deep and powerful emotion.  It is a beautiful place.  A beautiful, painful place.  She is there, and I need her.

Madison Elizabeth Castle 2012-2014

May I introduce Madison Elizabeth Castle.  This little soul changed me for the better, and I will never be the same.  I love you Lizzy.