Unwelcome- Death has visited

Grief is the price of love.

Those who know me,  know that I ABSOLUTELY ADORE my cats.

I have been away, without reception for about a week. 

As soon as I came into reception I received the message that my beloved George was hit by a car and died. Pain profound. 

I can't write more right now, I am leaning into the sadness, the grief.  It is hard work.  

King George

Boy George

Curious George

Georgy Boy

Fat Head

Best Cuddle buddy ever-  You have my heart.  You are sorely missed.

One of the last special moments I spent with George was out in the garden.  The sun was setting - I was watering and appreciating his beauty under the lilacs.

I will bury him there tonight before sunset.

 I harvested sweetgrass and lilacs this morning and dug the hole for his nest.

Happy Birthday.

 Some days I struggle to find gratitude. You would be 10 years old today my girl.

Still, I am thankful for the powerful impact you’ve had on my life, even in the short time you were here.

I miss you.
Every. Single. Day.

Love, Mama

Rainbows and Funerals

 I feel raw this time of year.

The sunlight pouring in this morning cast a beautiful prism rainbow across her picture, in a way I had never seen.

A little gift for my soul.  

Today’s morning light was remarkably similar to the morning light 8 years ago today, the day my life was forever changed.

On Sunday, our dear friend and neighbor Dick Taylor died.  We were blessed to have one last visit.  His breath was labored, his brow furrowed, yet there was a powerful peace in his home.  Ruby held one of his hands and I held the other, the love present was visceral.  He adored Ruby, and we ALL adored him. 

As I was leaving I caught a glimpse of Lizzy's photo on his fridge. Be still my heart.

When Ruby was in second grade she wanted to tell Dick all about her baby sister and she gave him a photo. He has kept it there all these years.

A few hours later, I was again blessed to attend him briefly after he died.  His brow now smooth, his body no longer struggling.  Peace persisted.  

A wonderful neighbor and even better friend- You will be so missed Dick. https://www.amundsonfuneralhome.com/obituary/richard-taylor

Transitions into and out of our body are sacred.  

Tethered by our breath

We live.

All the Feels of Spring

Still a little red and raw - I am a human, being with my grief. 
And also enjoying the sunshine.

I arrived early to teach Sunrise Cycling this morning and felt a little relief when I realized that no one had signed up for class. Nonetheless I got on the bike, blasted 90’s music, and started spinning (and singing aloud to all my fans).

About halfway through my workout I heard “I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more just to be the *Mom* who walks a thousand miles and falls down at your door”.

The tears started flowing and soon running off my cheeks as I remembered the days and months after Lizzy’s death when I had to completely physically exhaust myself in order to sleep at night. I spent hours cycling as I pondered the meaning of life (and death).

Approaching 7am this morning and continuing to ride the hell out of the bike, my muscles and body seemed to remember the grief from 8 years ago, and then even more profoundly the LOVE.

#EckhartTolle reminded me today to be thankful for all of life’s experiences, the happy ones and also the difficult ones.

Suffering is my teacher. I continue to learn. The deep, profound emotions tied to loss are beautiful, and they are directly tied to the deep, profound love that I have embodied. And I am SO thankful for the love.

There are so many types of life losses we experience as humans. #Loss is hard. It takes #courage. As my living children enter teenhood I’ve been #struggling with the loss of #mothering young kids. And frankly, it #hurts. I miss kid #hugs. I miss nighttime stories. I miss #snuggles. I let the pain wash over me. I sit with it, perhaps take it to tea. And usually what follows is #empathy and love.

I drove my children to school this morning. Still a little #teary from my #emotional bike ride, I expressed my love to each of them and then watched as their vulnerable little souls walked into school. Oh, the sass, the eyerolls, the back talk, (Who has been #parenting these kids!?!) Still I could not hold back more tears of #love.

The weather on Monday,  11 degrees with windchill, but two days later the warm sun is shining down.  50 degrees.  I will take it!

April's SNOWMAGEDEN

 I would like to apologize to everyone. 

Everywhere. 

Yesterday, I put away snow clothing and gear for the season.  I am so sorry.  It is obvious to me now that I am solely responsible for the weather.  I will also mention, it was  a very selfish and deliberate act,  as you know I LOVE snow.

On an unrelated note:  I just received a beautiful and  warm felted wool vest to wear!  Huge thanks to my esteemed, friend Woniya!  I am feeling her powerful energy and grace tonight!

Outside

Hot water is calling

Cold and blizzardy

All the snow falling

Soaking it up

One Hundred and Eight

Eric’s smoking BrrrRibs

Fill up my plate!

Mic drop.  Heidi out.

Influenza

Spring break was grand

Sunshine and land

Working and building

with my hands



I love to roam

But upon arrival back home

Influenza greeted me

Down to the bone



Miserable nights

Lymph ascites

I felt like receiving

my last rites



Feeling slightly better

Still under the weather

Today at home,

Trying to pull it together



Did I start shopping for my own casket? Absolutely.

Did I call local cemeteries to see who offers green burial? Obviously I did.

Rest Haven Cemetery in East Grand Forks, Minnesota while not strictly a “Green burial cemetery” they do offer green burial as an option. Check out my 5 star review on Google Maps.

Am I a drama queen? Don’t answer, this is obviously a rhetorical question.

Women Supporting Women

 

Filling my bags, I swiftly packed essentials, irreplaceables, and most importantly- my two cats.  I had a long drive ahead of me.   It was March 9, 2000.  I had no idea at the time that it was International Woman’s Day. 

Leaving took courage.  A lot.  I wasn’t just leaving a marriage, I was stepping into a great unknown.  While in the marriage I was still accepted and in good standing in my devout Mormon culture the only culture and people I had ever known.  

I was stepping into freedom, 

I was stepping into judgment

I was taking back my independence,

I was breaking sacred covenants

I was asserting my need for respect

I was disavowing cultural expectations 

I lost friends

I gained true friends

I met people who judged me because of my choice to leave

I met people who love me because of my strength

More than anything-  I gained a more powerful love and respect for women.

It was women who helped me along the way.

Women who held me.

Women who empowered me.

Women supported me at every stage of the process.

This year for International Women’s Day @WoniyaThibeault, a powerful, graceful, incredibly intelligent and skilled woman in her own right has gifted me a hand felted vest that she made.

Wear it with Pride - I Will!

Thank you Woniya!  

@buckskin_revolution

Another dear friend recently made me this LOVELY gift- a Service ID  

@Jamiecreatively

I love being an “Emotional Support Heidi” !

Not just for the free flights on Spirit Airlines, I also love it because it reminds me -  that I have the opportunity to love and support women.  And I DO!   I love empowering women. Shout out to all my ladies!  I love you!

So when my new vest arrives, I will sew on with love my "Emotional Support ID"