Full Catastrophe Living

 

“'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” -  Alfred Tennyson

 

To be Alive

To be truly alive

Is to feel.

To feel all the sensations.

The passion,

The pain,

The love,

And then,

To take in the magnificence of it all,

To experience it unbridled down to the depths of your soul.

To know it.

Remembering the pain, but marrying yourself to the love.  –HLC 

For years, the Pacific waters of Southeast Alaska have drawn me in to their magnificence. There is something sacred in the primeval wildness of it all.  The land unencumbered.  The waters clear, yet, full of life.  

And also, full of death.  The realness of life cycles as nature intended.  No euphemisms to shield the truth.  No pretending.  Beauty unfathomed.  Fjords, water and sky.  All of the elements unrestricted.  Birth, life, death.  Life is finite. The time we have is a gift, and so is being alive in all our moments the easy and the difficult.  Knowing deep heartache, creates understanding for the beauty of simple moments as well as miriculousness  of the extraordinary ones.

Tahlequah, an orca whale in the Pacific northwest, who lost her calf in 2018, was so grief stricken she carried her dead baby on her snout for days.  After 10 days unable to eat, researchers were concerned she may also die. She carried her baby over a thousand miles for 17 days before relinquishing her to the sea.

In 2019, I had the privilege of meeting Sasha, a humpback whale.  In a small boat out on Juneau bay I watched in the distance for spouts of steam.  As I took in the feral majesty of it all, I was silently summoning whales nearby.  Calling to them, respectfully asking to make their acquaintance, it was a simple prayer in my heart.

Floating on the water with engine turned off, a sudden swell took my attention, then, just a few feet away Sasha gently rose above the surface.  Her wide eye meeting my eyes.  Time slowed as this graceful creature revealed her walnut shaped blow hole. Her steamy foul breath blowing through my hair.  I was enamored.  Had she heard my call?  I breathed in her breath.  Watched intently and loving every second of this gift.

Today I learned that Sasha’s yearling calf, Tango, recently washed up on Hump Island, north of Ketchikan. Heartbroken, I am remembering that tremendous emotion. Overwhelming love, and where is it to go?  All I could do was surrender.  Surrender to the grief.

I am so so sorry for your loss Sasha.

#Anthropomorphize.  Yes I do.  

May Basket

Driving my car through the morning rays of sun

Light turns to tears
Wetting my cheeks.
May baskets full of heartache.

All the feelings
Why am I angry? Short tempered?
Why all this darkness when the rest of the world has increased light?

Her loss tremendous.
Her impact profound.

All the love I was not able to give
builds up in my chest, my throat,  my body

Then floods out my eyes, my wails.
Heartache unfathomed.
.

As time marches on my distance from her grows,
Unbearable.

Yet- the beauty in those cathartic moments of pain is startling.

It is those moments,
I am with HER.

Wood Lake, Erskine, MN 56535

A

Warning:  I might be becoming a Minnesota Lake Person.

Hammock naps

Kittyboy

S'more eating

Sunshine Joy

Campfire

Lake side friends

Canoe ride

Apricot cleanse

Fish bites

Cool nights

Best ever-

Northern Lights

Alaskan Troll

There are strange things done in the midnight sun, By women searching for Trolls

When I found myself out and about, on Creek Street taking a stroll

Taking in the art, the breeze from the sea, then suddenly he appears.

Ray himself, guitar in tow, where he lives in the last frontier.

I have long wanted to meet the amazing artist, Ray Troll. Today was my lucky day!

Thanks so much @ray.troll for the history talk, the art discussion. It was a privilege.

Coincidentally we also bumped into Eric‘s cousin!
Marie Loveless

What a great day in Ketchikan.

Wood Lake, Minnesota

 Canoe the lake

Watch for fish

Talk to my boyf

Make a wish

Take in the sky

Love the land

Soak in the water

Now, THIS is grand.

Found a little place by the lake- I think I'll spend more time there.

Farewell My Beloved

 I am an unabashed Cat Person.  And I love deeply and profoundly.

The loss of my dear cat is tremendous to me.

George.  King George.  Curious George. Boy George.  I will love you always. 

The gift of loving and adoring him has been an absolute privilege.  A privilege that is not lost on me.  I am grateful for every second I got to spend holding and loving him.  When the things that you live for die, the pain is profound.  Loss.  Deep heart sobs.  Again, I know sorrow.  Again I must try to pick myself up. 

 

I received word that he died while I was in Washington, then as I began my journey home on I-90 I happened across a horrific accident that had just occurred. A young man lay in the middle of the interstate bloody and crying.  I pulled over and rushed to him.   Eric, who was traveling in the car behind me laid out his (extensive) first aid kit (he is ever prepared) then he went to direct traffic and put up caution cones.  I was told the ambulance may take up to an hour in that remote part of Montana. 

 

I knelt beside this young man to comfort and support. Holding gauze pads to his head laceration to slow the bleeding.  He was in shock and only partially coherent.  I asked his name he replied:

“Gabriel”. 

Now covered in blood holding his head, I somehow remained composed, and slowly and softly repeating:

 

“Gabriel, I am here to help you, hold still.  I am here.  My name is Heidi, I am here to help”.

 

Gabriel had severe head trauma- and perhaps other injuries as well. 

 

Just like my George.  I pray that Gabriel does not succumb to his injuries.  And what a privilege it would be to meet him someday. 

Alice taught me this week to be: Open, Curious, Slow and Kind.

 

Tonight at sunset under the lilacs-  at the place of our last memory together I will bury my George.  Heaven help me, because I need it.

 

My whole family is in Idaho, I will do this alone.  

 

I am so grateful for the love of my dear friends near and far these last few days.   Shelby Barentine, Jamie Sebby, Kandis Larson,  Karie Lee, Heidi Hampe, Carol Simmons, RaeAnne Anderson and Eric Castle  I love you all deeply and profoundly.

Unwelcome- Death has visited

Grief is the price of love.

Those who know me,  know that I ABSOLUTELY ADORE my cats.

I have been away, without reception for about a week. 

As soon as I came into reception I received the message that my beloved George was hit by a car and died. Pain profound. 

I can't write more right now, I am leaning into the sadness, the grief.  It is hard work.  

King George

Boy George

Curious George

Georgy Boy

Fat Head

Best Cuddle buddy ever-  You have my heart.  You are sorely missed.

One of the last special moments I spent with George was out in the garden.  The sun was setting - I was watering and appreciating his beauty under the lilacs.

I will bury him there tonight before sunset.

 I harvested sweetgrass and lilacs this morning and dug the hole for his nest.